My Mother is Toxic

I've been suffering all this time, mainly mentally. Don't take this philosophically, I am indeed suffering. My self quality has increased but my life quality has not increased. This is complex, there are many people to blame, not to mention my family especially my mother. It really sucks, fuck. 

This photo was taken on Saturday, 11 November, 2023 at 03:34 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

Can you stand it if your family insults you or cursed you almost every day? My mother from the past until now really likes to do that to me (although now the intensity is less). But my mother also gave me almost as much affection as she insulted me. So, I'm actually in a bit of a dilemma, I'm confused.

But my mother is toxic like this because my grandmother was toxic to her too. My mother was never loved by my grandmother when she was little, my mother was only loved by my late grandfather. My mother shouldn't be toxic but she became toxic because of my grandmother, not to mention because she was bullied at the school where she works.

My mother was bullied at school where she worked, not because she did something wrong, but because people were mean to her. There are many reasons, such as because my mother is smart, honest and sincere at work. My mother is different from others.

I was also often bullied when I was at school by my friends. The reasons my friends bullied me were almost the same as my mother's work friends bullied her. My thoughts, my personality, my honesty, most of my friends didn't like it. I'm different from others.

I hope I won't be toxic like my mother. I have survived this toxic environment all this time without becoming toxic. My mother has become toxic, she has been poisoned by this toxic environment. Sometimes I feel that I am starting to have my mother's bad qualities, such as being irritable, but thankfully I'm not like that. My emotional state is stable.

I must leave this toxic environment, I must leave my toxic family, I must leave my toxic mother. The city where I live now, Manado, is toxic, the people are toxic. For example, cursing is common here. Even though I will meet other toxic people elsewhere, I must leave. Advice for you, leave the toxic place (or toxic people) that has made you suffer.

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram on Saturday, 11 November, 2023.

RIP My Cat Kiksa

RIP Kiksa (November 2019-9 November 2023). She is my most beloved cat. My sister found Kiksa in the morning in my late grandfather's car. I don't know how long she was in the car, I also don't know how she got in, maybe she got in when the window was open but the window was closed when my sister found her. The last time I saw her was on 6 November. My mother had buried her at noon. Hmm, maybe she's tired of living, she's been a bit sick the last few months.

Kiksa rarely went home throughout October because she was pregnant, at the end of the month she gave birth to a kitten. I should have 3 cats now because Kiksa died but because she gave birth to a kitten I still have 4 cats. I haven't given this new cat a name yet. I have many memories with Kiksa.

I Have Always Been Attacked by Feelings of Loneliness Lately

I have always been attacked by feelings of loneliness lately and usually at midnight. It's hard to get rid of it because the reality is that I am lonely. Not to mention stress, laziness and boredom and all of these sometimes appear together.

I can't be like this because I have to do my college assignments, I have to do it all. There's still a lot that I haven't finished yet. I also want to write scripts for my upcoming videos on YouTube and TikTok about linguistics. Guys, hope me the best.

I Feel So Pressured Lately

Yeah, this photo wil be my profile picture for many of my accounts until I want to change. It's hard to find a good perspective if your background is not good. Hope me to have a better living place. I'm attractive for those who attracted to me.

This photo was taken on Sunday, 29 October, 20233 at 22:10 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

It's difficult to be difficult but once I get difficult it's difficult to not be difficult anymore, just get through it until I feel it's over. I feel so pressured lately and got so many stress, I also losing my personal space. That's why I rarely post something now.

I don't know how many people romanticizing mental health issues or some related things but I'm romanticizing it too and I'm one of those who have mental health issues. This is real you know. Not gonna lie, this sucks but makes a missing feeling.

Well, I guess I know the problem, I've barely had any sun in all of October, my fault but also not my fault, it's complex. This is not an easy situation, if you know you know. I rarely even get moonlight. I often stay in the room while doing my college assignments.

If you love me you will always love me, if you hate me you will always hate me, this is what i know now. I'm 'kind' for those who love me and I'm 'evil' for those who hate me. I question why people love me and why people hate me, I need reasons.

Hey internet, use your algorithm and promote me, I'm promoting myself now. I don't know if I've said this before but I want to make a video for my YouTube. I'm tired of not really being me, a bit late to say this but I think will say this again later.

By the way, I love ASMR. I have always love ASMR since I know it in 2016. I would like to be an ASMR artist someday, I think it would be fun and relaxing, either for me and for another internet users.

The photo in this article was first published on my Tumblr blog on Monday, 30 October, 2023.

Checking My Eye Condition

Yesterday my mother and I went to the eye hospital to have my eyes checked. Yokatta, there wasn't any problem with my eyes after being examined with a tool that has a camera and flashlight to check the eyes by the ophthalmologist. She gave me medicine and eye drops.

This photo was taken on Thursday, 19 October, 2023 at 13:31 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Thursday, 19 October, 2023 at 13:36 with Samsung Galaxy A10s. This is the water control room of the building.

Even though I and my mother were waiting for my name to be called, it wasn't as long as when I came there on 10 August because this is just a check up. My mother told me that the doctor was vea that time.

The photos in this article were first published in this article.