It's Been A Long Time Since I Met College Friends Like This

Yokatta! It's been a long time since I met college friends like this. The last time was early 2023. So, on Tuesday, 21 May, I attended the weekly meeting of our English club by Indonesia Open University, only every Tuesday. It was so fun, I like it. 

Taken on Tuesday, 21 May, 2024 at 22:31 with Samsung Galaxy A05s.

Taken on Tuesday, 21 May, 2024 at 22:31 with Samsung Galaxy A05s.

Later I'll tell you how I got into this English club. We have a WhatsApp group and from Monday to Friday, except Tuesday, we call in the group to practice our English. I will attend this meeting every week I hope it doesn't rain every Tuesday.

This is already very good, the meeting is only every week at the branch office of Indonesia Open University in Manado, starting at 7 pm. The distance between this office and my house is also quite far, hehe. 

This makes me healthy. I meet with friends at least once a week. The main thing is that I can meet friends, it's really fun. Even though they will come and go, I'm grateful to be friends with them now. Be happy because I am happy.

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram account on Thursday, 23 May, 2024.

The third photo is from Anna (the one who wears glasses) and the fourth, fifth and sixth photos are from Florence (the one who wears glasses and blue shirt).

Always Be Nice to Me My Friends

I now always hope that all my new friends will be always nice to me and will never bully me. I'm always nice to all my friends. I'm already stressed enough at home, by my family especially my mother. I don't want to be stressed by my friends.

Taken on Thursday, 29 February, 2024 at 22:24 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

You know that I always try to maintain harmony in my relationship with you, my friends, let no small problem break our relationship. What I don't like most is if our differences in political choices damage our relationship (except for very fundamental things). Don't let it happen.

To avoid conflict as much as possible, I always do that, therefore I am very patient with many people including you my friends, you know what I mean. However, in our interactions or how we treat each other, there must be consent. If you don't like it, say it, don't be silent.

The photo in this article was first published in this article.

Maybe I Won't be Able to Survive in This Crazy Family

Maybe I won't be able to survive in this crazy family for long. I could be as crazy as them later, fuck. Almost every day there is a commotion, starting from very simple things. There are harsh words every day. Expecting this family to be good is impossible.

Hating is a must, everyone hates each other. Whether I hate them or not hate them I will still get sick because of them. In fact, I'm actually a little sick now because of them. I must leave this family, I must. Fuck you all in this house, really, I don't care with you all.

This photo was taken on Wednesday, 29 November, 2023 at 23;00 with Samsung Galaxy A10s in my mother's room.

I haven't left them because I'm still waiting, waiting for the worst time so I can leave. In the past I was just waiting for a time when this family could be better but it turned out to be impossible. Everyone in this house is full of grudges, grudges with life, except me.

There are many more. By writing this, it calms me down. I have to write this evilly, yes evilly, that's how my mother told me that I am 'evil' by writing bad things about this family but everything I have written is true including this. I only did this to my family, I wouldn't do this to anyone other than my family, really.

The photo in this article was first published in this article.

I Smile When I Shouldn't Smile

You know that I rarely post photos when I'm smiling so these are some of my photos when I'm smiling. Actually, I'm currently under pressure and smiling doesn't seem like a good idea for me now. I told to myself that I will get out from that pressure someday, I'm waiting for that time.

This photo was taken on Monday, 13 November, 2023 at 08:00 with Asus laptop (my sister's laptop).

This photo was taken on Monday, 13 November, 2023 at 08:00 with Asus laptop (my sister's laptop).

This photo was taken on Monday, 13 November, 2023 at 08:00 with Asus laptop (my sister's laptop).

This photo was taken on Monday, 13 November, 2023 at 08:00 with Asus laptop (my sister's laptop).

We are always becoming, we never become this or that, we are always becoming something, me too. Never stop, always progressing. My friends and best friends, let's progress together.

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram on Monday, 13 November, 2023.

My Mother is Toxic

I've been suffering all this time, mainly mentally. Don't take this philosophically, I am indeed suffering. My self quality has increased but my life quality has not increased. This is complex, there are many people to blame, not to mention my family especially my mother. It really sucks, fuck. 

This photo was taken on Saturday, 11 November, 2023 at 03:34 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

Can you stand it if your family insults you or cursed you almost every day? My mother from the past until now really likes to do that to me (although now the intensity is less). But my mother also gave me almost as much affection as she insulted me. So, I'm actually in a bit of a dilemma, I'm confused.

But my mother is toxic like this because my grandmother was toxic to her too. My mother was never loved by my grandmother when she was little, my mother was only loved by my late grandfather. My mother shouldn't be toxic but she became toxic because of my grandmother, not to mention because she was bullied at the school where she works.

My mother was bullied at school where she worked, not because she did something wrong, but because people were mean to her. There are many reasons, such as because my mother is smart, honest and sincere at work. My mother is different from others.

I was also often bullied when I was at school by my friends. The reasons my friends bullied me were almost the same as my mother's work friends bullied her. My thoughts, my personality, my honesty, most of my friends didn't like it. I'm different from others.

I hope I won't be toxic like my mother. I have survived this toxic environment all this time without becoming toxic. My mother has become toxic, she has been poisoned by this toxic environment. Sometimes I feel that I am starting to have my mother's bad qualities, such as being irritable, but thankfully I'm not like that. My emotional state is stable.

I must leave this toxic environment, I must leave my toxic family, I must leave my toxic mother. The city where I live now, Manado, is toxic, the people are toxic. For example, cursing is common here. Even though I will meet other toxic people elsewhere, I must leave. Advice for you, leave the toxic place (or toxic people) that has made you suffer.

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram on Saturday, 11 November, 2023.

I Have Always Been Attacked by Feelings of Loneliness Lately

I have always been attacked by feelings of loneliness lately and usually at midnight. It's hard to get rid of it because the reality is that I am lonely. Not to mention stress, laziness and boredom and all of these sometimes appear together.

I can't be like this because I have to do my college assignments, I have to do it all. There's still a lot that I haven't finished yet. I also want to write scripts for my upcoming videos on YouTube and TikTok about linguistics. Guys, hope me the best.

I Feel So Pressured Lately

Yeah, this photo wil be my profile picture for many of my accounts until I want to change. It's hard to find a good perspective if your background is not good. Hope me to have a better living place. I'm attractive for those who attracted to me.

This photo was taken on Sunday, 29 October, 20233 at 22:10 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

It's difficult to be difficult but once I get difficult it's difficult to not be difficult anymore, just get through it until I feel it's over. I feel so pressured lately and got so many stress, I also losing my personal space. That's why I rarely post something now.

I don't know how many people romanticizing mental health issues or some related things but I'm romanticizing it too and I'm one of those who have mental health issues. This is real you know. Not gonna lie, this sucks but makes a missing feeling.

Well, I guess I know the problem, I've barely had any sun in all of October, my fault but also not my fault, it's complex. This is not an easy situation, if you know you know. I rarely even get moonlight. I often stay in the room while doing my college assignments.

If you love me you will always love me, if you hate me you will always hate me, this is what i know now. I'm 'kind' for those who love me and I'm 'evil' for those who hate me. I question why people love me and why people hate me, I need reasons.

Hey internet, use your algorithm and promote me, I'm promoting myself now. I don't know if I've said this before but I want to make a video for my YouTube. I'm tired of not really being me, a bit late to say this but I think will say this again later.

By the way, I love ASMR. I have always love ASMR since I know it in 2016. I would like to be an ASMR artist someday, I think it would be fun and relaxing, either for me and for another internet users.

The photo in this article was first published on my Tumblr blog on Monday, 30 October, 2023.