I Am A Very Calm Person

As the result of what my social environment did to me, especially my family, I become a very calm person even under a lot of pressure. It also means that I avoid conflict if I can. You know that if you try to understand me, if you are my friend, as I try to understand you.

Taken on Wednesday, 10 April, 2024 at 09:16 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

Many people don't understand me and they can easily attack my personality subjectively. Some minor differences are exaggerated and of I'm tired of correcting many misunderstandings that have occurred. If there are controversies about me I will let it go as far as I can control it.

Changing myself is not easy, especially if I want to change the world. It's better to make small changes that work than big changes that don't work. I don't like forcing myself or other people, everyone will definitely change. We are always in a transition, either worse or better.

I enjoy the process by process that got me to where I am today, even until later. I am always grateful to myself and nature for this. That includes the bad things that happened to me. Forgive me if you think I was wrong, what is unforgivable in this world? Nothing.

The photo in this article was first published on my Facebook account on Saturday, 13 April, 2024.

I Fast Because of Health not Because of Religion

I fast because of health not because of religion, after all I'm not religious. Even then, I fast according to my mood, if I'm not in the mood, I don't fast. But I fast at the same time as those Muslims who fast during Ramadan, just taking the moment.

Taken on Wednesday, 13 March, 2024 at 22:49 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

My family doesn't know about this and that's good and I will never tell them about this. They know I fast but for what reason they don't know. They don't even know that I'm not a Muslim anymore and again, that's good.

It's my choice not your choice. I don't care if later conservative Muslims will condemn me. Keep your conservatism to yourself. Why I say this is because I don't want people to think I'm Muslim except for certain circumstances.

The photo in this article was first published on my Instagram account on Wednesday, 13 March, 2024.

Always Be Nice to Me My Friends

I now always hope that all my new friends will be always nice to me and will never bully me. I'm always nice to all my friends. I'm already stressed enough at home, by my family especially my mother. I don't want to be stressed by my friends.

Taken on Thursday, 29 February, 2024 at 22:24 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

You know that I always try to maintain harmony in my relationship with you, my friends, let no small problem break our relationship. What I don't like most is if our differences in political choices damage our relationship (except for very fundamental things). Don't let it happen.

To avoid conflict as much as possible, I always do that, therefore I am very patient with many people including you my friends, you know what I mean. However, in our interactions or how we treat each other, there must be consent. If you don't like it, say it, don't be silent.

The photo in this article was first published in this article.

Maybe I Won't be Able to Survive in This Crazy Family

Maybe I won't be able to survive in this crazy family for long. I could be as crazy as them later, fuck. Almost every day there is a commotion, starting from very simple things. There are harsh words every day. Expecting this family to be good is impossible.

Hating is a must, everyone hates each other. Whether I hate them or not hate them I will still get sick because of them. In fact, I'm actually a little sick now because of them. I must leave this family, I must. Fuck you all in this house, really, I don't care with you all.

This photo was taken on Wednesday, 29 November, 2023 at 23;00 with Samsung Galaxy A10s in my mother's room.

I haven't left them because I'm still waiting, waiting for the worst time so I can leave. In the past I was just waiting for a time when this family could be better but it turned out to be impossible. Everyone in this house is full of grudges, grudges with life, except me.

There are many more. By writing this, it calms me down. I have to write this evilly, yes evilly, that's how my mother told me that I am 'evil' by writing bad things about this family but everything I have written is true including this. I only did this to my family, I wouldn't do this to anyone other than my family, really.

The photo in this article was first published in this article.

My Mother is Toxic

I've been suffering all this time, mainly mentally. Don't take this philosophically, I am indeed suffering. My self quality has increased but my life quality has not increased. This is complex, there are many people to blame, not to mention my family especially my mother. It really sucks, fuck. 

This photo was taken on Saturday, 11 November, 2023 at 03:34 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

Can you stand it if your family insults you or cursed you almost every day? My mother from the past until now really likes to do that to me (although now the intensity is less). But my mother also gave me almost as much affection as she insulted me. So, I'm actually in a bit of a dilemma, I'm confused.

But my mother is toxic like this because my grandmother was toxic to her too. My mother was never loved by my grandmother when she was little, my mother was only loved by my late grandfather. My mother shouldn't be toxic but she became toxic because of my grandmother, not to mention because she was bullied at the school where she works.

My mother was bullied at school where she worked, not because she did something wrong, but because people were mean to her. There are many reasons, such as because my mother is smart, honest and sincere at work. My mother is different from others.

I was also often bullied when I was at school by my friends. The reasons my friends bullied me were almost the same as my mother's work friends bullied her. My thoughts, my personality, my honesty, most of my friends didn't like it. I'm different from others.

I hope I won't be toxic like my mother. I have survived this toxic environment all this time without becoming toxic. My mother has become toxic, she has been poisoned by this toxic environment. Sometimes I feel that I am starting to have my mother's bad qualities, such as being irritable, but thankfully I'm not like that. My emotional state is stable.

I must leave this toxic environment, I must leave my toxic family, I must leave my toxic mother. The city where I live now, Manado, is toxic, the people are toxic. For example, cursing is common here. Even though I will meet other toxic people elsewhere, I must leave. Advice for you, leave the toxic place (or toxic people) that has made you suffer.

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram on Saturday, 11 November, 2023.

Story of the Day (Thursday, 25 May, 2023)

I've lost my spirits a bit lately, but I'm always trying to find some motivation. I must be strong, must be strong and must be strong. I can't just disappear from the world, people like me are few and very precious to the unity of the world, to the peace and to the Earth.

This photo was taken on Thursday, 25 May, 2023 at 14:18 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

My family is having more problems, oh, I'm tired of this family, this family has been damaged a lot. A little story, my uncle and my aunt are getting divorced, my aunt is having an affair with someone. My uncle and my aunt are cousins, my aunt is my grandmother's nephew.

You know, today I have registered at the university I want to enter. This university is very suitable for my current situation in many fields, that's why I've chosen this. Tomorrow my mother and I will go to the bank to pay the registration fee.

~ Sofia Rina the Dancing Star (25/05/2023)

The photo in this article was first published in this article.

I'm With My Lovely Cousin Jihan on Saturday, 22 April, 2023

On last Saturday, 22 April, my cousin Jihan and my uncle and my aunt visited my grandmother's house. That day was Eid al-Fitr so they came. She is the daughter of my uncle, my mother's brother. She was born in December 2009 so she's 13 years now. She is in grade 8 of junior high school now and in June or next July will be going up to grade 9.

I like her style now especially her bangs. I really like women with straight bangs, so cute. I also combed her hair. It's nice to be able to comb her hair, I feel so comfortable. I want to comb her hair again later. Both of us are really close but she's s a bit shy. Every time I see her she just gets prettier and more mature. I'm so happy with it.

This photo was taken on Saturday, 22 April, 2023 at 17:51 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Saturday, 22 April, 2023 at 17:52 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

She's actually a bit shy when it comes to being photographed so that's why I'm posting these photos only in this article, on this blog. Maybe one day she will read this article, I hope. You know that I don't really like to publish photos of my family to internet except for some photos that I think it's good. I prefer to post photos about myself, my friends and my best friends.

This photo was taken on Saturday, 22 April, 202e at 17:40 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Saturday, 22 April, 2023 at 17:39 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

She actually came that day with her sister who is also my cousin too, her name is Huzaifah, I forgot her full name, she was born in 2019 so she is 3 years old now. But here I just want to tell about Jihan. Jihan likes to play with my sister, Raudhah. So I have one younger sister and Jihan has one younger sister, the four of us are the grandchildren of our late grandfather, the father of Jihan and Huzaifah's father (Uncle Qayyum) and also the father of my mother, aba' Mustalin.

I feel sorry for her actually, I really want to buy her a new smartphone because her smartphone now has a cracked screen and has a small hole in the casing (maybe it fell before). I really want to help her since, if I have a lot of money I will buy her a new smartphone. I know he has a smartphone since 2021, at that time she and my uncle and my aunt visited my grandmother and my late grandfather's house so I saw her smartphone.

When Jihan, Raudhah and I were looking at old photos belonging to my late grandfather and grandmother, we saw photos of them when they went to Hajj for the first time in 1994. Most of the photos we saw were in poor condition because they had been flooded before so the colors had faded a lot. There are several other photos that may have been lost during the floods in Manado in 2014. I'm the only one who has seen all the photos before the flood when they were in good condition.

When we saw photos of my grandmother and my late grandfather on the plane before leaving, Jihan said that she had never been on a plane, just like Raudhah too. I feel sorry for Jihan, I want to take her on a plane later. Even though my sister hasn't gotten on the plane yet, I don't feel sorry for my sister. I hope I can take Jihan on the plane later. If I'm not mistaken my uncle never got on a plane either, my mother said if I'm not mistaken.

Honestly, I like her even more now. I hope the best for her, I want to see her happy, I really love her. If one day she gets married I hope she and her husband have a healthy and good relationship. It doesn't matter she just lives with her husband, the important thing is they are happy. I don't know why I love her more than my own sister. I feel very comfortable with her. 

~ Sofia Rina the Dancing Star (25/04/2023)

The photos in this article were first published in this article.

My Update for January 2023

Hi, this is me for 2023. I have changed my hairstyle since 30 December, 2022. I'm still thinking what I want to do further. You know, I don't know what to do now since I don't continue my college at Sam Ratulangi University. One of the main reasons is because the lecture process is still online (except for semester 4, 6 and 8) and also because I don't have money to pay my college tuition, it's IDR 3,000,000.

Currently I don't have any job I just staying alive. I haven't made ID card yet (my mother told me that we'll we make my ID card together later and I'm tired of waiting) and my mother hasn't taken my high school diploma (she still has a debt to my high school, my tuition fee, IDR 500,000 which she has not paid yet).

This photo was taken on Friday, 20 January, 2023 at 09:56 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Friday, 20 January, 2023 at 09:57 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Friday, 20 January, 2023 at 09:57 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

This photo was taken on Friday, 20 January, 2023 at 10:01 with Samsung Galaxy A10s.

Actually I have no plan for 2023. What's matter for me is that I'm still alive. I'm just still on my old plan from last year: leave this fucking city and the this province too, leave my family and go so far I can, stay survive in a new place and looking for a job out there. 

How is my relationship with my family now? It's pretty unclear actually for me because I want to leave them but because I'm still here so I'm just taking advantage from my mother. I'm still very dependent on her for my life actually, my food, my cleanliness and my internet credit. What am I doing at her house? Just washing dishes and cooking rice. Sometimes I have done it but she still doesn't appreciate it.

My mother's relationship with my grandmother is very not good. Actually this is an old problem in my family, my mother has hated my grandmother since she was little but things have really gotten worse since my grandfather passed away on 25 March, 2022. Sometimes there are incidents that make my mother and grandmother in trouble, I actually don't really care about it, it's not my business.

Now I still live in my boarding house in Ranomuut Sub-district, Paal Dua District. This is  my grandma's business. Actually I'm very grateful to be able to live here for free and far enough but not too far from my mother, I have privacy here and I still commute from here to home every day to get food, still the same since December 2021. I won't live here forever, this is just temporary.

I know that I can be better out there, I hope this is just the matter of time. What I'm doing now is survival, that's what I'm doing now. You know, I haven't received monthly money from my mother, the last time my mother gave it was November 2022. My money now is IDR 105.000 or $6,93 dollars (20/01/2023's rate).

~ Sofia the Dancing Star (20/01/2023)

The photos in this article were first published on my Instagram on Friday, 20 January, 2023.

Source/Reference

https://www.instagram.com/p/CnnuPbQSofa/